snap shots of my working life
basically where i spent my last few days working
and killing my poor feet.

but well i have to say that despite the excriciating pain in my soles
and having to walk around the house on my tippy toes
it was an enriching experience
met many interesting people.
and somehow i still cant envision myself working in one of those tall glass buildings.

for a moment then watching the crowds hurry by in a blur
each with a specific destination in mind
a grim determined expression on their faces
and heads filled with thoughts known only to them
i remembered you
and our daily lunches
and how we always seemed to be smiling and laughing.

its hard living in the shadow of someone else
no matter how hard you stretch
and how much you spread your branches
your leaves never seem to catch even that glimmer of sunlight
its a slow painful death as each leaf falls gently to the ground
silent tear drops telling of your sorrow
but no one listens
no one hears
and you become a srivelled up twig
lost somewhere in the darkness

my feet were (are) not made to stand for 12hours straight.
work turned out to be insanely more tiring than i expected
no thanks to the fact that there were no chairs provided and we were expected to remain standing at the booth for the whole during of the day
the result is blisters and heels that are screaming out in pain with every inch i take.
seriously tempted to wear converses on monday instead.
save my poor legs.

sera needs to think before she opens her stupid mouth to say something

i am sorry
i really am.

can you hear me calling out for you?
to slip back into the silence of ourselves.
everyone needs to be held sometime.
everyone needs someone sometimes.
right now,
i need the one that once was you.

the undergrowth is dense, intricately woven together
vines hang menacingly from the trees
creepers cling and twine themselves tightly around the trunks
branches like swords piercing your throats
barricading the entrance
obstructing the passage way

plough my way through the torns into a clearing
a huge body of water at my feet
unmoving, still, deep murky green
the thick foilage from the majestic trees block out all the sunlight
and its dark and cold

yet something about it seems vaguely familiar
and i realise
once upon a time,
this was my sanctuary.
my wide open field next to a lake with the sunshine smiling down on me.

its all gone now.
to desolation and neglect.
it died with me. with us

been coming home the last 2 days and collasping hopelessly in bed.
raging fever that has got my whole body hurting.
decided to subscribe to the chinese method of 'sweating it out'
and thus i subjected myself to a night in bed without air con or the fan
glad to say that i think it has worked
and the fevers left
hope it'll stay that way
but my heads still pounding away and my joints screaming out in pain
need desperately to get better...
work tomorrow and friday.

and i think i should join my friends (dith and lijie in particular) in grousing about stats
cos well i dont understand them either and as it so turns out
4 chapters of my com research (CS105) readings are devoted to sampling and statistics.
WTH

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-"Eloisa to Abelard", alexander pope

i'm running out of happy memories to remind myself that its alright
that there is a reason for hoping
that for all the tears that have fallen,
i know that there were and will be countless simles to make it all better
i dont wish to erase you from my mind.
i want to be the one that disappears.

...
I hate the way you're always right.
i hate it when you lie
i hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
i hate it when you're not arount
and the fact that you didnt call

but mostly i hate the way i dont hate you
not even close...not even a little bit...
not even at all
-10 things i hate about you

wasted the whole day away at home...
bumming infront of the television...computer
around the mahjong table with the mother and the sister
basically doing everything except studying
which is the thing that i need most to be doing now.
pigging out very very terribly too.
but i guess being able to spend the day at home in decadence is a luxury in itself.

happy birthday
priscilla.weiwei.vivien

i know this comes late and i am really really sorry
sincerely from the bottom my heart.
we need to meet up soon..like ASAP
miss and love you all

everyone seems inclined to think that i have been abused.
unfortunately though the truth is far from as exciting.

i cannot get the thoughts out of my head
the pain that is eating and knawing in to me
like this voice that is whispering in my ear and refuses to shut up.

i have no one to blame but myself
when you look back in the past
you cant help but wonder if you had made the right choices
or if you simply just made a series of consecutive mistakes.

you were my greatest mistake
my most vulnerable weakness
its time to start righting the wrong.
i need to find for myself the life that is mine.

my pretty dollie from the SN fair...
havent named her yet. cant exactly think of one.
well her belt's been yanked down as low as it can go
and mummy's gonna alter her super long skirt
(: yes i am terrible i know
but just wanted her to wear her uniform the way it should be worn- like mine (:

"...st nicholas our home...we'll always cherish...
the love and beauty you gives us to keep..."
-st nicholas greets you

its almost like travelling back in time
to see ourselves clad in our blue pinafores
and plodding along to class
the screeching of chairs across the floor
the rhythm of chalk scrawling across the blackboard
the struggle to keep my eyelids from closing.
the rush to the canteen at recess time
or when the chime goes for assembly in the morning
and for the end of the school day.
this will always be where my heart belongs.

nice would have to be an understatement.
meeting everyone all over again just sends a burst of joy right through the center of my soul.
st nicks teachers are the most un-teacher teachers ever.
and i guess thats what so lovely about them
the fact that they are just as silly gossipy and school girlish as you are.
and its in knowing that they see you just as they are-
one part of the family.
i never realised how much i missed everything till today.

--

it could have been a scene straight out of a movie
our eyes locked across the room
through a sea of people
and at that moment my mind when blank.

no its not the story of love at first sight
and no.
it does not end happily ever after.

forgive and excuse the cliches
but i really do feel like a
lost sheep wandering around without a shepherd
or like some
blind man groping around in the darkness

as much as we whine about routines and monotony in our lives
i think at some point and to a very large extent
we find comfort and security in them.
break the chain and yank me away
and i am left standing here by the side of the road
like a shipwreck marooned on an island unsure of what to do next
staring in vain at the countless stars in the sky
listening to the rythm of waves breaking against the shore...

and in my mind i am thinking of you.

i wish i knew how to quit you

i guess if you were to look past the homosexuality
and overcome the intial uneasiness you feel about two men getting intimate
you come to realise that indeed the show does explore in lee ang's own words
"what love truely is.."

feelings that transend gender
the pain in dealing with separation
a bond that doesnt change with time
the struggle to come to terms with their position
to fight to fit into society's mold
to keep everything shrouded in a blanket of secrecy
to suppress emotions that cannot seem to be controlled or held back.

i believe that love can break down all barriers and boundaries

whoever said that blood donation isnt painful didnt lie.
they simply negleted to tell you that it hurts like F*** after that.

decided to make a litte deposit with the blood bank today and hopefully save a life
(actually, i simply had time to kill and i decided that it would be an interesting experience
i have been itching to do something insane)
and thus made my way to donate blood.
which i have to admit is decidedly over rated.
but i did get a pretty pink bandage (:

as i lay me down to sleep
yes i pray....
that you will hold me dear.

as darkness decends and night falls
i make a silent prayer
thanking god for everything that he has blessed me with
for the pair of arms that are holding me tight.
and i pray now
more than ever before that god will be with me and everyone i hold dear in my heart.
that he will not lose hope in himself
that he will not lose faith in you
and that if its your will..that he will get well soon.
please god. let him get well soon.

death ensures enternal life in heaven
happiness with christ
and its always comforting to know that the one you love is at peace in gods house.
suffering is a constant daily reminder of pain and struggle
the helplessness that overwhelms you because you know that there is simply just nothing you can do the help alleviate his pain.
every little gesture screams out at you
each moment a frighting juxtaposition of what it once was
and the wound it inflicts each time is fresh

there is no fear in love...perfect love drives out all fear..
- 1John 4:18

sometimes its easier to say everything in simple words
but how i am feeling just seems so complicated.
its like a mixture of emotions just thrown into a blender and mixed around
and everything is just churnning and spinning that it is going too fast for you to catch it
a spoonful of dissatisfaction, a sprinkle of annoyance, a dash of impatience, a scoop of fear, a handful of sorrow, a trickle of jealousy
i want to scream, shout yell out at the whole world
but my voice is the silence that eats into me
and the sounds that are blarring through my brain

 

please do not go where i cant follow

i grasping around in search of the right words
struggling to keep the tears down
willing my mind not to wander
but yet my eyes betray me
and the salty drops trickle gently down my cheeks.

its this acute sense of loss and helplessness and i watch him lying in his usual spot in front of the television.
to the eye of a stranger,
everything just seems the same
nothing out of the ordinary
but to me each silent detail screams out at me.

how he struggles to construct his sentances
falling back on the simplicity and comfort of his childhood dilect that the mind instinctively knows so well
the hollow-ness in his voice
the drag in his step
the enormous effort it takes for him to do the simple tasks...
and all this while..
he hasnt uttered a single complain.

for all the times i've been angry and upset
i know i've loved him a hundred times more.